So, I'm pro and con listing... and finding it hard to know exactly what I want.
Found two flats I'm going to look at next week. Both exceptionally cheap and big.

Living alone scares and thrills me, I'll have to check regularly with people and manage the old falling over stuff. Could get someone to live with me eventually though. Probably after I start freaking out about the first seizure alone. Completely alone. Daunting. Maybe I'll crawl around the flat? Really want the gas hob in one of the places I'm looking at but is that really sensible? I can make tempura again! I can also just maybe blow myself plus half a street to kingdom-come. There's something funny about that.

Less being a hermit too!

Needing to think about what to say to him tomorrow night, although I'll probably be so exhausted that "hi ZZzzZzzzZz" happens.
MUST talk about stuff. Bad, good and ugly.

There is going to be much upset and bad. I wonder if I'll chicken out again. I do have a habit of being completely spineless. Facts of life though is that I need moneys. I need security and I need a non-ache head.

I need time to find me again, to be me and to feel like me.







*if a certain sister see this I've already talked to mum. I know living alone is dangerous. No, keeping my darling, lovely and awesome niece and nephew wouldn't help :P and Yes! I am considering flying lessons. I'll be fine.

**Comical thought: For my Funeral all must where colours, NO black, it's banned. I'd like two burlesque dancers too. To partially quote a good friend "Oh, the deep sadness! But the boobies! Oh, the saddness! Boobies, sadness, boobies, sad." Celebrate the life people! Anyone for conga?**

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I've just woken up. I tore myself from my bed and ran through to the spare room to see if my Dad was there and sure enough there he was sleeping soundly until this panicked child came tearing through.

I'd had a nightmare, a nasty one.

The things that lurk within the depths of my subconscious to create this mess.
In the dream I was a virtual reality gamer, an escapist and a fool. I'd created a character who was everything I'd want to be. Slender, sexy, smart, dominating and a winner. She kicked butt. She had a full life in the dream. Family, friends and pets - with very "pleasant" personalities. As a virtual reality player in this game you had complete design freedom in the world. You are god. Everything was amazing no lying, murder, war, famine, pestilence or dividing factors. There was death (no immortality here) and life wasn't 100% perfect. It had it's beautiful faults. It's was nice.

After a while of playing I involved some friends and my Dad. I helped each of them create characters and set up their lives and join the world. It was all working so well. Dad became my friend in character and we spent lots of time chatting and sharing in game life facts, cheats and talk about developing the environment. (Dad can code far better than me.) It all began to twist when Dad seemed to slip into the virtual reality and loose track of 'out of character' time.

I'd noticed a lie told to me by my in character partner, which threw me so I used my out of character self to track down the truth. (I think I never learned that with truth comes a price.) I found my answer and a series of ills that had been done to make life begin to sink into the V.R setup. Slowly letting a game take root in the mind. Recording over your out of character life. I pulled the plug at that point.

I pulled out of the V.R and had gone straight to unhook Dad. As I got him free, he didn't recognize me. He could no longer remember himself. All he could remember was the character he played. Before I threw myself out of the bed, I'd broken down in the dream realizing I couldn't pull him out of the character and he was gone.

------------------------------------- In coming Rant ---------------------------------------------------------

I think that I'm very happy with my out of control life bring on random, spontaneity and not facing facts.

So some things are upsetting me right now. I have been lied to and I feel that some people could understand or care more. (People referred to don't read LJ) I do a lot to help others, yet, I'm always the whipped for it. One good does not owe you a good one in turn. It seems more 95 times in 100 you'll get a punch in the mouth. People are ugly on the inside it's human nature and that statement reflected upon me yeah I'm only human. Twisted with misery.

Maybe I'll abduct an author.

Also governmental bastards!
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Normal Kit service will resume as normal after one cup of tea and a hug from her dad. Sorry for any inconvenience and thank you for baring with us.

- The Kit Management.

Okay so it's been about an hour.

I've spoken to my very loving parents and I'm calming again.
I'll be okay. Please excuse my panicking.

*tired*

:)

Okay, so I'm on my own for two days. I can't phone any one or text due to having no mins/texts.
This morning I had a seizure, just outside the bath... I don't want to be alone anymore.

I'm desperately trying to find someone to come over and just make the I'm totally alone panic go away.

I've got to get something sorted for the time while Dean is working. It's been almost a month since I contacted social help.